A New Belief

I can't wait
to see
their faces.

Crying
and in
shock.

I'll be there
at
my own funeral.

Laughing
and thrusting
all those tears
right off
all their cheeks.

To me,
it will all be
one big joke.

Again.

Just as life was.

Not so much
for them.

They believe in
the devil.

They believe in
hell.

They must
want
people to suffer.

As far as
I'm concerned,
everyone
will be set
free
from all
of their beliefs.

All they have to do is
die.

All that will be left
is freedom.

Freedom
to roam
and go to
your own funeral.

If you wish.

We can both
fuck with all these
devil worshipers.

Then move on
into
another dimension.

Where there are no
jail cells
or
cops
or
bills
or
dirty dishes.

Just everlasting jokes.

A Pimp and His Lady

Is that
really him?

I wasn't sure.

You never can tell.

Some people
go out of their way
to be
someone else.

But,
there he was,
Carlos Santana.

At a bar,
with a Santana cover band.

He wasn't playing.

He wasn't drunk,

He was picking up
our empty beer bottles
and taking them
to the bartender.

He was a good busser.

We watched him
for awhile.

After a couple more beers,
we asked him.

I don't remember his reply.

I don't think he
really responded.

I didn't care.

I just wanted him
to dance
with my woman.

I was a pimp.

Carlos was a trick.

He paid me
with a smile.

My lady and I
went on
to the next bar.

Hoping for
a lil bit
more than he was
offering.

Where Did it All Go?

Your whole life's
ruined.

Your home's falling
apart.

Your love's
dead.

Your inside's
rotting.

Dying of old age
way too young.

Barely getting up
and when you do,
there's the bottle,
pills,
shitty food,
and an obscene amount
of tv.

This is
the life
of someone
who does not
love
themselves.

This is
the root
of all evil.

This is
the way
you live
your life
everyday.

Expecting miracles.

They'll never come.

Not
for
you.

A Threat

It was in
a black box.

Shinning
in the sun,
minding its own
business.

Someone noticed it.

They immediately
called the cops.

You see,
this is the
happiest place
in America
and we can't have
any
sort of suspicious activity.

The cops put down
their donuts
and raced over.

Sirens warning the whole city.

They said,
it's a bomb.

Swat came next.

Millions of dollars
spent
to protect
our lovely lil city.

They got the box,
prepared to diffuse.

That's when
they heard,
not a ticking,
but a hard
thump.

The cops, the swat,
and all of San Luis
watched
as they opened
the box.

Expecting
the
worse.

To our surprise,
there was no
explosion.

A sigh of relief.

It was just
a dildo.

The happiest place
in America
still safe.

For now.

Do Us A Favor

There I was
at
another party.

It was the same ol
boring bullshit.

Cheap horny guys
trying to pick up
stuck up women
with even
cheaper lines.

And all the women
were trying
too hard
to look hot.

They were all losing.

Except one.

She was
pregnant
and drinking
for two.

She was also
smoking.

It must've been
normal
because
no one
did
anything.

They didn't
say
anything either.

They just
let her
kill
the baby.

Me too.

But who knows?

That baby
could've went crazy
one day
at school
and decided to
shoot up
everyone there.

Including
your kid.

So I guess,
She was really
doing us
a favor.

So were we,
by letting her be.

I'll Pass on Dessert

We found
a pocket pussy.

He claimed
it was his
roommate's.

It was
fucking gross.

My friend
pulled it out
of the box.

I thought,
why?

It was brown
and slimy
and worn out.

It had
more miles on it
than an 101 year old
mexican prostitute.

He inspected it
and started to stick
his finger
in it.

As a joke,
I guess.

I had
no idea
what to do,
especially when
he began
licking
his fingers.

My decision
was made for me.

I did not
want to stick around
and see
what he was having
for dessert.

The First

There I was
sleeping
outside
again.

Usually,
I somewhat
remember
how I got there,
but on this
occasion,
I did not
recall
anything.

I time traveled.

Yes,
I am
the first person
in the history
of the world
to conquer
the unconquerable.

How did I do it?

Well, well,
it was all too simple.

All I did was:
go to the bar,
had 4 beers,
leave my 5th beer
unattended,
have a stranger
roofie it.

The rest was history.

I ended up in
tomorrow.

The night was gone.

I was in my room.

My butthole hurt
a lil,
but it's a small price
to pay
for being
the first.

Our Furry Angel

We finally
got a house.

It was my mom's
first
and it was nice
and big
and ours.

We got dogs too.

3 of them.

Life was good.

We were happy.

The dogs too.

Until the economy
went to shit.

My mom
could no longer
afford much
of anything.

She lost
her house,
her mind,
her dog.

His name was Jett.

A family friend
took him in.

They had a daughter
who had cancer.

They met.

Jett
made her smile.

The first time
since she was given
her death wish.

She forgot about
everything
and just played
with him.

He was her miracle.

People may not believe it,
but he
took her cancer
away.

She went on
to become a child
once more.

He gave her life.

He gave his life.

After he died,
everyone
was devastated.

We had lost
our furry angel.

But,
he did
his part.

He did
what the doctors
failed at.

Repeatedly.

All of this
happened
for a reason.

We wouldn't
take back
a single
moment.

I Prefer Life

We have to wait
for experience.

It's the only way.

Without it,
we are all
children.

Playing in a field
getting stung
by beetles
and stepping in shit.

Shit helps.

But it's not enough.

We need
incarceration,
mutilation,
humiliation.

Everything
we don't
want.

Because
if we were left
in that field,
We'd be
finished.

Extinct.

Like the rest.

Do you
want that?

I sure as fuck
don't.

Explains A Lot

We were at a softball game.

Well,
we were
no where
near it.

We were
on top of a
shed,
looking down.

It was about
10 feet
up.

I got
a lil too close
to the edge.

Gravity
took hold.

When I awoke,
I tasted
gravel
in my mouth.

It was actually
bits
of my
teeth.

My head began
to hurt.

I heard the crack
of the bat.

Someone hit
a home run.

I got up
and walked
toward the screams.

My mind
stayed there.

Heavy Metal Fans Rejoice

I fucking love ozzy. With no father in my life to speak, he stepped up to the plate and raised hell within me. He showed me that there's no such thing as crazy. There's only you. Let yourself shine like an insane motherfucker that you are. But, his current music sucks ass. It makes sense. He's old as fuck and tired and drugged out and disintegrating into his grave. We need a substitute. Someone to carry on the torch that he so brilliantly lit. Summerlands is that band. Sure their name is kinda weak, but they make up for it in traditional bad ass heavy metal riffage and the lead singer sounds almost exactly like ozzy, except its not. It kicks some serious ass. Give it a good fucking listen, will ya?

Blue as My Heart

I love the blues. It touches me to the deepest of my core. It lifts me up when life's kicked the shit out of me and gets me going whenever I've had a couple of shots of warm shitty whiskey. I'm always on the lookout for blues I've never heard before. There's a shit ton of it too. Especially on vinyl. Today, I happened to stumble across a new old record. It's the Buzzerfield Blues Band and they are tight as fuck. I love them. I love the piano, the guitar, the horn, and the drums and the goddamn  wigger singing. It's amazing. It's cold. It's blue as my heart. Check them out below and feel what I'm talkin
bout.