Top Ten Albums of 2009

10) Animal Collective: "Merriweather Post Pavilion" This album is futuristic, trippy, and catchy as all hell. At first, I was skeptical, but soon realized I was playing the fool again. The vibes coming out of this album are hypnotizing. They put you in trance with soulful sounds and a Beach Boys like harmony. No wonder why so many of friends cannot get enough of this magical band. Take shrooms and ecstasy and listen.
9) 3 Inches of Blood: "Here Waits Thy Doom" When I first heard this album, I was in a state of complete drunkenness and that is a great feeling when it comes to listening to metal. I was shaking my fist and screaming along with the lead singer, Cam Pipes. Holy fuck he does have some amazing pipes. He sounds a lot what I would imagine Rob Halford would sound like after he got kicked in his dongles and got extremely fucking pissed. They have an epic sound that is unmatched, but at the same time the album sounds like it is coming straight from a London dungeon. Worship these Canadian bastards.
8) Immortal: "All Shall Fall" Another fucking epic black metal album by one of the greatest black metal bands to ever chop off the heads of nuns and priests alike. It's about goddamn time, too, because these fucks haven't blessed us with an album for over seven fucking years. And the atmosphere on this album, although a bit toned down from "At the Heart of Winter," they create with the guitars alone is unmatched and it leaves me hanging by a noose in an icey funeral home. This shit is catchy and that is damn near an impossible achievement for most black metal bands. One last thing, I love you Immortal. Don't ever keep me waiting that long again.
7)Skeletonwitch: "Breathing the Fire" I reviewed this album on one of my earlier posts, so fucking read it and get your mammy rammer on to the next album.
6) Royce Da 5'9: "Street Hop" Reviewed this fucking album too, so read it or you can as Royce put it "swallow everything that's coming through this dick."
5) ABSU: "ABSU" Holy shit! This is hands down the best black/thrash metal band the US has to offer. I cannot say enough about this band or this album. This is some of the fastest drumming I have ever heard in my life and some of the weirdest shit ever compiled on a album by a metal band. Can somebody tell me what the hell "Nunsbarshegunu" means? Anyways by the far the best song to break your neck to on their first c.d. in over eight years is "those of the void will re-enter." That is pure fucking metal that no one else in this country has the balls to stand up to.
4)Raekwon: "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx Pt. II" The Wu tang is back. Raekwon made another classic. This album is five mics, no doubt. Every song has the dopest beats and rhymes ever compiled on wax. If the Chef doesn't make another album, it won't matter because he is a legend with a perfect record. This is the hip hop album of the year. There is no question about that. Of course, it helps when you have RZA and Dr. Dre behind the scenes making me jizz in my pants with each and every listen.
3) Them Crooked Vultures: "Them Crooked Vultures" They have the song of the year for me, "Bandoliers." I can listen to this song over and over and over again. Besides that, it's part Queens of the Stone Age, part Dave Grohl, part Led Zepplin, nuff said.
2) Devildriver: "Pray for Villains" I listened to this album more than any other album to come out this year. I had to, plus how can you go wrong when you are worshiper of villains yourself. This album is groovy, catchy, and addicting. They incorporate all the sub genres of metal and make it work. Devildriver is just getting better and better and I am becoming more and more of a fan. How can I not? Listen to "I've Been Sober," or "Waiting for November," or "any fucking song on the album" and tell me I'm wrong.
1) Alice in Chains: "Black Gives Way to Blue" Alice is back with a black singer and, thankfully, as depressing as ever. It's a fucking pity that Layne Staley died, but they moved on and even did a tribute song to him with non other than Elton John. This guys can do no wrong. If it's acoustic, then it's beautiful in every sense of the word and makes you want to cry and if it's loud, then you'll want to rip your hair out and bang your head against the walls until they are covered with blood. I cannot get enough of Alice in Chains. They are timeless. They are classic. Everyone should be listening to the best rock band to come out of the 90s until everyone finally sinks into their grave.

An Unusual Proposal

The moon was above,
white fire burning in the midnight sky
and I was down,
beneath the flames,
walking and thinking,
thinking way too much for comfort.

I had an endless list of tragedies,
they circled and circled,
I was their prey.
They stalked my every step,
they controlled my every thought.

Lost,
I eventually gave up
and soon there was nothing,
just the white fire
lighting my way home.

A leaf blew past me on the ground,
or what I thought resembled a leaf.
I walked over to it.
The leaf talked to me, "Hello there,"
it said.

Traumatized,
I could not believe my eyes.
The time had finally come,
I had truly lost my mind,
I was trapped, suffocating in a body bag of hallucinations,
there was no other explanation.
Why did I ever think it was a leaf?
The leaf was never a leaf,
all along I knew it was the severed head of a woman.

Putting a stop to my confusion,
She turned to me and smiled.

She was mesmerizing,
her eyes were overflowing with love,
her hair, as dark as the bottom of the ocean,

Danced in the wind,
her face was that of a goddess with a bloodless complexion.

I was overwhelmed,
concrete poured into my mouth.
For some sick, twisted reason
I was infatuated by the vulgar,
yet heavenly face.

"Hello there," she spoke again softly,
"My name is Jayne. What is your name brown sugar?"
"I'm not sure," I mumbled,
"I'm not sure of much of anything right now."
I closed my eyes.
I thought I must be dreaming,
none of this seemed real.

I opened my eyes again,
only to discover
she was using her teeth to crawl on the ground,
and with each bite
I could hear them grind on the pavement.

She stopped her hideous walk,
"I'm invisible," she said.
I responded with curiosity, "Really?"
She continued,
"Can you see me?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
"How about later tonight? In your pants?"

What kind of a disgusting fantasy was this?
What kind of nightmare would come to me like this?
I was absolutely deranged.
There was no hope for me,
there never was.

Her advances weren't over,
"Well, how about a drink for starters?"
I had been craving one all day,
so I gave in,
"What the hell?" I said, "I have nothing to lose."

I picked up Jayne's decapitated head.
We were on our way,
beneath the flames,
two lovers
throwing caution to the wind.
"By the way," I asked,
"Do you piss out of your neck?"

Album Review: Royce Da 5'9" Street Hop

First and foremost, let me say this album is unfuckwitable. Royce Da 5'9"'s album "Street Hop" proves that this MC is about to take the entire hip hop community by storm and there ain't a damn thing Jay-Z, Eminem, Kangay or any one of them overpaid cocksuckers can do about it. This did not happen over night. Royce had to pay his dues over and over again.
After getting released from a DUI charge earlier this year and a series of flops, his talent had to be unleashed fully on all of its unsuspecting listeners. He went into the studio to chop heads off and he did it with ease. It certainly helped that the legendary DJ Premier was his executive producer. Primo definitely brought out his talent because this album is a classic from front to back.
There are too many reasons why "Street Hop" should be the top hip hop album of the year, but I will only tell you a few, for the sake of your time and mine. First, he's a lyrical mastermind and he proves it without a doubt on every track. Second, is the subject of his rhymes. He's fucking everywhere. He also has an amazing storytelling ability that would put most rappers on welfare. Then, he talks about the most ridiculous subjects other rappers wouldn't touch with a tazer. For example, he claims he's a rapist, a homicidal maniac, a headbanger, a terrorist, a trader, a role model, and a suicidal nudist, all in one song. Third, the self proclaimed, "biggest criminal in the world," has the beats to backup his lyrical prowess. His club bangers, which I am not a fan of normally, had my head bobbing as if I was sucking Ron Jeremy's dick and when Primo steps up to the production, especially on "Something 2 Ride 2," the results left my brains scattered against the project's brick wall. The only other comparison that would even come close to this reaction would be the first time I heard the Primo beats on Illmatic.
You want more?
Fourth is his guest appearances. Sure, most of the names don't ring a bell, but Slaughterhouse(his hip hop super group) is killing every MC in their path and eating their guts like hot, greasy bacon(this would not be the first time they were in deep shit with PETA). Slaughterhouse, represented by Royce, Crooked I, Joe Budden, and Joell Ortiz, is a lyrical massacre. No rap group out there, right now, can eat more pussy and destroy more mics than these four rappers. They are what help make this album damn near perfect. What does push this album past mics is the last track, "Hood Love," which features Bun B of UGK. It is as smooth as butter loaded with heroin. When I listen to the close of "Street Hop," I can't help, but push my seat back and let the music possess me, control my thoughts, hold onto the steering wheel, and drive.
I salute Royce for making a hood classic and recommend, or rather, command everyone to buy or download this shit. Regardless of whether or not you like hip hop, you do not want to miss out on listening to a hip hop legend in the making.

More ChiTown Stories

Coming up in the Room of Dreams: Review of Royce Da 5'9"s album STREET HOP(quite possibly the best hip hop album of the year) and of the Australian Western THE PROPOSITION(a brutal and beautiful movie). In the meantime, I have yet another wonderful story for you about Chicago. It involves drunkenness at it's finest and blackest. Charles Bukowski would be proud of me or he could be rolling over in his casket. I am not too sure, so I will let my meager followers be the judge.

I Think I Was Somewhere in Chicago

"Where's the nearest station?"
I asked the bouncer outside of the bar.
"It's right there," he pointed.
My bloodshot eyes followed
his long, spinning finger.
"Just two blocks ahead of us. Can't you see it?"
"I can see double," hiccup,
"I think."
"OK.
Well, you take care now."

I stumbled away
and even though the station was right in front of me,
I got lost.

Taxis were racing up and down the marooned streets,
so I pulled myself together
and flagged one of the yellow, speeding devils down.
When he stopped,
I put my hand on the door handle
and pulled,
only to slip,
land on my ass,
and smack the back of my head on the sidewalk.

The brown driver gave me a suspicious look and asked in a friendly voice,
"Are you ok?"
I started crying.
I was in stitches,
laughing and laughing and laughing
at myself.
"I feel better than a horse's cock in a virgin's ass."

My drunken legs managed to get up,
fall down,
then get up again.
I finally got it,
"Take me to Millennium Park. I'm staying right next to there."
"You got it friend."

He started the meter and took off into the empty night.

I looked down
in my wallet
to see if I had enough money to cover the ride.
It was as empty as the night.
No driver's license,
no debit card,
no credit card,
no money,
just a picture of my younger cousin
staring back up at me.

"Oh shit," I said under my breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing.
Listen, would you be a darling and turn on the radio. I need some music right now."
The sounds of country music
seeped through the speakers.
It was a perfect way to end a forgetful night.
Now all I needed was the icing,
so I rested my head on my hands
and threw up in my lap.