Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Let Go of the Wheel

Cars,
I should have never
stepped foot
in a
single
one.

Too much
bad luck
has taken the wheel
for me.

The stupidest accident
I've been involved in,
is too embarrassing
to admit.

But I will.

Pringles,
the heavenly snack,
were on the floor.

I could have asked
any
of the two
in the car.

But I didn't.

I reached for them
myself.

I am stubborn.

No one
can do anything
for me.

Not even get me
a can of chips.

Big mistake.

As I am reaching down,
bad luck
takes the wheel
and steers us toward
the shoulder.

Next to a tree.

Right as I look up,
we hit it.

The impact was
shocking.

Holy fuck!
was all I could say.

I managed to drive on
with the fender holding on
for dear life
and smoke
billowing out the hood.

We pulled over
at my friend's house
to assess the damage.

The front end of the car
looked worse than
what my face was going to look like
after I told my mother
what I did
to HER
car.

I made it home
and reluctantly went it.

She should have beat me
with the fender.

She didn't.

She was furious,
but forgiving.

I escaped the noose.

The van was now
mine.

My mother got a new one.

All was well.

That is until
I crashed the van
again.

Then,
I crashed the next car
I owned.

Tickets, arrests, dui's,
bad luck, bad luck.

I should have never drove.

Ever.

Yet today,
I am going to get
in the truck
and head off
on the road again.

Bad luck
stay away.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

We Are So Lucky

Feces
spits up at you
from the toilet,
you go and try and wash it off
and urine
comes out of the faucet.

Imagine
this
and all the conveniences
of everyday modern life
fading away
with each passing second.

No more
internet,
no more
television,
no phone,
no electricity
whatsoever.

Nothing left,
but time
and everlasting misery.

Everything
shattered and rotting
for no reason.

What's your next move?

You have no guns.

You cannot survive.

The world
is more psychotic, depraved
and hateful
than anybody
has ever seen.

Your family
forced to live
in the sewers,
where they search
for pennies
and dead rats.

Your mother, wife, daughter
raped and mutilated
right before your closed eyes.

All you can smell
is the pain.

Your father, brother, son
tortured and slaughtered
or at the very least,
sold into slavery.

All you can feel
is the torment.

The only glimmer
of hope
is that one day
the sun
won't shine.

The only prayer
to God
is that one day
there will be
no more suffering.

Because
they will be
nobody
left.

The only way
for you
to feel grateful
today
is to realize
this could happen
tomorrow.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Horrific Thoughts

I have never heard
death
before that night.

The screech
of the tires,
skull, bones, flesh
smashed
on the hood of a car
going 50 mph.
helicopters
roaring overhead,
the cries
of a lover.

It was all too much.

The visions
were out of some
horrific nightmare.

The unsuspecting man
being hurled
into the air,
the trickles
of blood
running down the street,
his shoe
landing next to us
20 feet away,
the car speeding
away.

It was all too much.

His death
made me wonder,
what was he like?
how would his family react?
did they hate him?
did they wish him
dead?

Life is cruel.

The truth is even worse.

I'll be glad to die
someday, not knowing
any of it,
just not
like
that.

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Residency of the Deceased

I'm fascinated by death.

Always have been.

As a child,
I remember going to funerals,
a handful of them.

I had no idea what
was going on.

My memory is horrifyingly clear.

I can't recollect the events
that took place yesterday,
but I do remember
those dead faces
and the touch of
frozen skin.

My aunt's funeral
is a somber moment
that will never
leave me.

There were hundreds of people,
they formed a sea of black,
and from their eyes
poured an undying sorrow.

I was thinking about her
and how incredibly intimidating
she was,
yet completely generous.

She was an amazing woman.

And as I was thinking about her,
a revelation came to me:
I would never see her again.

This was the first time
I would become aware of this,
I was beginning to understand
death
and its finality.

Then,
a flock of white birds
caught my burning eyes.

They were heavenly and graceful,
like no other creatures
have ever been.

This was my aunt.

Her spirit
freed.

As her body
descended into the ground.

I realized then,
the dead are still
everywhere
around us,
making their presence known.

Nothing is forever gone.

We just have to be
willing
to look
for the signs.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Shit Out Basketballs

Basketball was my life.

It's not anymore.

On occasion
I'll pick up a ball
or watch a game,
but this is nothing
compared to the obsession
I grew up with.

I didn't give a fuck
about women,
school,
books,
or being popular.

All I ever gave a shit about
was basketball.

Day,
night,
sleep,
wake up,
shit out
basketballs.

I'd be out there
in 100 degree weather,
completely dehydrated,
bouncing the ball
up and down the court
like a fool.

I'd be out there
in the rain,
completely soaked,
working on drills
up and down the court
like a idiot.

In the end,
I got injured
and after high school,
everything changed,
my love for the game
vanished.

I started
chasing after women
and working.

I got money,
I got pussy,
but I never got the same
satisfaction
as I would
when I hit the game winning shot.

I will probably
never get that high
again.

Seems all's
such a waste of time.

Except for
shitting out
basketballs,
of course.

Monday, October 8, 2012

Altared Boys

He set up the lines.

I could hear the tap
of his credit card
against the top of the swamp cooler
of the church.

He went first,
I sniffed next.

We immediately
broke into a conversation
that lasted
the whole night.

We even
did a lil
in the bathroom stall.

I don't remember
much
after
that.

I never saw him again.

He went on
being shady
somewhere.

I went on
being creepy
everywhere else,
with the thought that
I'd never see him again.

Perfect.

The perfect exit.

The perfect memory.

The perfect church.

Amen.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Chili Beans

I ate
a shit ton
of chili beans
that day.

Much more
than I would ever care
to eat
again.

I could feel them
rumbling in my belly,
especially after I drank a
12 pack.

Each beer
I drank
in one long
drink,
hidden away
from the family.

I was 14,
and I was drunk,
I only had four,
but I kept going
and going,
until I was feeling as good
as the rest of the family.

For once,
a family event
was tolerable.

I stayed up,
embracing the moment,
and having the time
of my life.

Eventually they all went
to sleep,
one by one,
until
I was the only
one up.

So I tried to sleep.

I couldn't.

My head was spinning,
round and round,
the world
a turbulent,
drunken mess.

oh no.

A rush of beans
came out of my throat
and on the couch.

It was the most
disgusting
puke
I've ever seen
and I've seen too much
in my lifetime.

I can still smell
the beans
to this day.

And to this day,
I will never
eat chili beans
before
I start drinking
or after.

This is
one of the many
lessons in life
I had to learn
the hard way.

Learn
from my mistakes.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

A Prisoner In the Clouds

I hated all the dads
in our apartment complex.

They were all
worthless.

Very few of them
had jobs
and some
didn't exist at all.

If they were around,
they usually beat their wives,
cheated,
and took out their life's failures
on their kids.

I was one of those kids.

I had to witness
the ugliness
of their lives
and the ever growing clouds
they cast upon
their families.

I wasn't floating,
I was there,
trapped,
a prisoner in the clouds.

This is how
I learned to eat,
to fight,
to kill,
to survive.

This is how
I learned to never love
a woman,
to never trust
a man.

This is who
I am.

I accept my fate.

But I have time
to change.

Will I get out?

Will I remain
the same,
if I do?

Or will I
give in?

The cycle can only
continue
with me,
a prisoner in the clouds.